To those of you who are in the midst of or have gone through what I went through…..or any other kind of betrayal….let me just say that forgiveness is a process. It reminds me of an onion…..you peel one layer away only to find another…..and another……and another. The choice to forgive is an act of obedience…..feelings are usually not involved. As you make the choice to forgive….slowly…..and eventually……your feelings begin to change. That isn’t to say that your emotions do not get in the way from time to time……they did for me, quite often. I would forgive and then take it back…..sound familiar?
The real test of my forgiveness for this person came when she called me late that night. I have extreme respect for her…..I don’t know if I would have had the guts to call….she took a risk……she had no idea what I would say…..the seven years prior…..we had no real contact other than polite pleasantries. I had forgiven her…..but I sure as heck didn’t want to be friends…..
After we talked that night…..I felt God tell me….this thing called forgiveness…..now you get to walk it out, girl……My first thought was…..”you’ve got to be kidding me”…..”what are you trying to do to me”…..? And, like most things in my life….I had two choices…..I could obey through this new season in my life or I could “box” God…..which I, obviously, always lose at….
I didn’t know how to walk it out….I didn’t know what it was suppose to look like…..for us…..but God did. At first it was so awkward….painful…..my anger and resentment came back…..things that I had given over to the Lord bubbled to the surface…..many times I wanted to take it all back…..it was way easier to forgive from a distance….than to actually have to walk it out…..
You wouldn’t believe the flack I got from friends and family….they thought I was crazy…..and I have to admit….it sounded crazy…..many told me….”God would never ask this of you…..you already forgave…..this woman had a part in destroying your life…..why would you want her in your home….around the kids again”…..this was the perfect out….she was gone….out of the picture……but…
God would not let me rest…..deep in my heart I knew what I had to do….I had to begin the process of forgiving on a deeper level….we would have to talk….cry…..relive…..hash out….get real…..become vunerable again….about all that had happend years prior….and you know what….
As painful as it was….I am so glad I did…..I am a different person…..I have a deeper understanding of the word “grace”…..We live in a world of instants…..nobody wants to “do the work”…..nobody wants to extend grace to others….to love people where they’re at…..least of all me…..
I am writing this because I didn’t want it to seem like this “forgiveness thing” just came to me….it was a long process…..painful…..ugly at times…..but I came out on the other side…..And it’s a beautiful view……this side of the mountain…..
Oh…and by the way….another circumstance/person/event will come along in my life…..where I get to walk it out all over again……smile…
8 comments
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December 1, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Tammy Brown
Good morning Cyndi, I needed to hear this, I struggle with forgiveness with hurts… It’s hard when people hurt you and the one’s you love… it’s hard to forgive especially when the people seemingly could care less that they’ve hurt you and the future seems as if they will never say sorry and ask for forgiveness… BUT that’s the beauty of your story, you forgave never expecting the apology to come. And God blessed has blessed you! I am not there, but aspire to be! I want the apologies, the disregard for the hurts still paralyzes me… but I am pressing on to grow into the person I want to be… a person who forgives knowing that the offender’s are trapped in sin just as I am! Thanks for being a part of my growth by sharing!
December 2, 2007 at 1:59 am
Crystal Renaud
hi Daley’s mom. you don’t know but i know Daley from the blogosphere. just came across your blog tonight from a link over from Carlos. had no idea you were Daley’s mom until i read a bit of your posts. very cool. just want you to know what an absolutely divine encounter your blog has been this evening. you wouldn’t know this, but i am seriously dealing with some forgiveness issues. a lot of them. and through counseling i am coming to the realization that although i’ve said i’ve forgiven people in my life, the truth is, i’ve never been properly taught HOW to forgive. like you said, “I would forgive and then take it back…..sound familiar?” YES. eerily so. the choice to forgive IS an act of obedience, one i’ve continuously failed at. thank you for your openness in this struggle because through doing that, you’ve helped me to once again see the importance of getting this forgiveness thing down. so thank you.
December 2, 2007 at 4:04 am
Los
I take your dignified post and say bravo.
bravo.
bravo.
Thank you.
Carlos Whittaker
December 2, 2007 at 6:02 am
decarter
thank you cyndi, for your amazingly honest post. i was just thinking about the onion-peeling process in my own life and the battle to OBEY is just the same. to take God at his word, even though it feels like i’ll be undone.
you give me courage to do the right thing. to keep doing it even though it hurts. thanks.
December 2, 2007 at 7:28 am
Lori-Lynn Navarro
I love your honesty Cyndi. Thank you for sharing your heart, and be willing to be open about the difficult things in life. I appreciate all of your openness! You are amazing.
December 3, 2007 at 6:34 am
Robert Vis
You have a lot of stories and life experience. I’m glad you’re sharing. They are quite challenging.
January 30, 2008 at 3:46 am
dparkins
Cyndi As I am reading your blogs and getting a picture into your life, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. Not because anything you say but because of all I have missed. Our friendship has been a part of my life for 24 years. Losing a relationship like ours definately left a gap that seemed hard to close. I went through your wedding, babies, affair, divorce “court”, singleness, illness, and then the joy….I have missed out of your joy years. I feel as though I have really missed out on such a wonderful portion of your children’s lives and yours as well. This makes me sad. I’m also sad that the situation we had caused such separation…it was as though I experienced a divorce myself….from you. Hey my parents were married almost 25 years we were friends longer than some people are married! I am just really happy that your life is so full of grace giving after so much hardship was bestowed to you with out major cause on your behalf. I am happy that you decided to give grace to me over the holidays. Our meeting was so much more for me I think than for you. It was so important for me to resolve our isssue especially due to the fact we had offended you and your chld. That of course was not the intention and not on purpose but that it another life. I just want to express to you my thankfulness to you for going out of your way to meet with me. I miss our talks almost everyday on the phone….before 6 children and a fulltime job. I miss our trips that we experienced such solitude and made memories…John Kennedy Jr. died when we were at the cabin. You decided to give me a second chance just as you have done with your ex-husband and his now ex-wife. They say forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving but for you to move on and let go. In this case you have done both…forgiven and moved on with the person you had to forgive. I pray that someday we might recreate a relationship that is like the past but I think it would be so much better. You and I have hopefully taken on the race that has been put before us and laced up the shoes we were given to keep running for the prize. Your friendship has definately brought joy to my memories.
January 30, 2009 at 12:14 am
Dominique Genochio
Hello-
When I read this I started to cry…I’m 29 with three beautiful boys 3,5 and 9 and my husband was cheating on me for the past 4 yrs with the same woman and an other one. I finally left him and we are going through a divorce now. Even through I new the whole time that he was doing it. I was hoping he would change. Anyway when I read this it gave me hope that one day I will be happy and I know that I made the right choice for me and my children. One day I will be able to forgive my children’s father and the other women. It just seems so far from know. I know god has a better peruse for me. I’m just tried
Thank you for sharing your life. It gives me some hope that things will work out.