Living With A Miracle Means Far More

Than Experiencing It’s Conception.

It Means Resting in God’s Promise And Power

Even When It Seems The Miracle

Isn’t Going To Be Born.

~Jack Hayford~

 

I made her really, really mad!  Before she left the bench…..she snapped at my attorney and said, “Talk to your client”.  The coldness in her voice matched that chilly November morning.  It’s never wise to make a judge mad at you….. I don’t recommend it.  My attorney looked at me and knew there was no use even talking to me about it…..my mind was made up.  I really wasn’t trying to be difficult.  I didn’t want to be here……I had already agreed to my other half’s requests…..I just couldn’t/wouldn’t sign my divorce papers.  I would stipulate to everything……I just was not going to have my signature on something that I knew God hated.  Something I didn’t want in the first place.  

What  I wanted was my life back….I wanted to hear the creak from the front door and watch him walk through it after a long day at work and hear the boys running down the hall yelling, “Daddy’s home….Daddy’s home”.  I wanted to get lost in his beautiful blue eyes…..I wanted what I had committed to 13 years prior…..for better or worse.  I looked to the right of me and he looked just as disgusted with me as she did.  My miracle would not come…..not today…..not ever.

I had prayed…..believed…..begged…..bargained…..that God would somehow move in his heart so that he would decide to do the right thing and stay.  So that my boys would not have to go through life with a part-time dad……I wanted their carefree selves back…..their sweet smiles…..laughter…….all I saw was their deep sorrow and it shattered my already broken heart.  I would have done anything for them to not experience the horrible pain they were going through…even staying with a man who no longer loved me……I loved them so!  

She came back to the bench and asked me one more time if I would sign and I told her, “No”.  I knew that in the State of California she could do it for me.  I knew it rarely happened, but I made my sons a promise and I intended to keep it.  This is not what we wanted and we would have no part in our family being destroyed.  It would be on him.   His decision.  She agreed to sign for me, rather reluctantly.  Then the gavel went down…..and it was over….just like that.  Almost 17 years of a relationship that began when I was just 16 years old.  Finished.  

I’m not gonna lie.  It was one of the saddest days of my life.   I left there with my head held high, but I lost a huge piece of me that day that I never really got back.  There were days, weeks, months, even some years…..that I wondered if we’d come out on the other side…. somehow still whole.  I will say that the miracle eventually did come…..in a way that I never expected.  Actually, come to think of it, there were miracles…..that came…..Maybe I’ll blog on those someday soon:)