Parenting…..

“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Elizabeth Stone

 

I was young when I decided that I was old enough to become a mom…..I had no idea what I was doing……I just wanted to have babies……and that I did:)  And I kept having them….and having them……and having them:)  When I set out on this incredible journey 21 years ago…..it never occurred to me that they would one day grow up.  You can’t even fathom when you hold this tiny little person…..that depends on you for it’s very existence….that one day he will be taller than you……in many ways smarter than you…….But they do grow up…..and that is where this quote gets me to the core.  I have little boys…..and I have a couple of adult boys…..and two in-betweeners…….and let me just say for those of you who are struggling with the no sleep….poopy diapers……teething….potting training……tantrum throwing……little squirts…..THIS IS THE EASY PART…..:)

Letting them go…..watching them from a distance make choices……form relationships……get jobs…..deal with not-so-nice people……struggle with the transition from teenager to adult……is, at times, heartbreaking.  I no longer can “fix it” like when they were little.  Lately, I have had to face the realization that my time is just about up……I have been replaced by new more exciting models……and I don’t mean just girls…..but life….their lives…..all that pulls at their attention…..which is how it’s suppose to be.  It just feels kinda crummy:)  

And on a deeper level….I see where I made such monumental mistakes…..because I was young…..immature…..still trying to figure out myself….who I really was….and now I watch those same weaknesses in my own sons that I unknowingly passed on to them…..and I cringe…..My heart screams…..don’t do what I did…..look at my life….my mistakes and learn.  But I know……that I know…..that they can’t hear me……they have to figure it out for themselves……and to be on the sidelines……where I need to stay……is painful to say the least.  I have had to resort back to what I know for sure……that my knees are gonna get bloody through this phase of my life.  And from what my parents tell me…..you pretty much stay there:)  My faith is stretched…..God move faster…..knock’em in the head…..hurry…..make them see…….but like He has always been with me…..”A Gentleman”……He will work on His schedule….not mine…..for THEIR good….not my pain.  I confess I don’t like it…..but at the core of me….I know that God is faithful to “work out” what I have no business trying to “work out” for Him…..I need to pray now more than I ever have……He loves them so much more than I ever could imagine…..and I confess that I can’t even wrap my head around that one……cuz they are my very existence…….and to say that “I love them” can’t even begin to describe how I really feel about each one of them…..

 

Determination…..

The fact is, great people are really just ordinary people with an extraordinary amount of determination.

Great people don’t know how to quit.

Rick Warren

Did ya miss me……don’t answer that!

What a crazy month it’s been…..wish I had time to let you in on EVERYTHING that has happened…..but it would take too long…..and way too much space….. I will let you know that close to a $1000.00 later, our plumbing is fixed…..my backyard looks like a bomb went off in it ……BUT everytime I flush the toilet…..happiness wells up inside of me. To watch “it” all go down and not come back up…..is simply a sight to behold….. Isn’t that sad? This is my life though…..flushing toilets……boyz…….more flushing toilets…..four loads of wash a day……flushing toilets…….a pantry that is constantly empty ( I just went to the store three days ago)……flushing toilets……..more boyz……get the picture:)……but I love it…..it is PART of MY DESTINY…..:)

My First Son……

May 2, 1987

Daley Thomas Hake

Daddy & Daley……2 weeks old

Me and Dale…….6 months old

Christmas morning…..1987

May 2, 2008

At the age of 21, I had my first son Daley……Today, we celebrate his 21st year on this planet…..I can’t believe it…….where did the time go……He is a man now……taller than me…..with a life of his own……roaming about the country…….taking pictures……making music……networking with people……going places I have never even been……

I love the place that we are at in our life-long relationship……gone are the days of mothering him……now they are filled with his adventures, creativity, music…..his life…..I love hearing his opinions……his struggles…..his fears……our times together are sometimes rushed……he is busy……so much to do……to see…….but I consider him one of my closest friends…….I value his opinions……his advice…….He will always be my baby……and when he lets me…….I do that thing I know best……being his mama……..but, I mostly just try and listen and remind him that God is faithful……amazing…..and has great plans for his life……..and to enjoy the ride…….

I love you Dale……Happy Birthday!

Twenty-One Years Ago……

May 1, 1987……1 week late…….after my brother’s funeral……

but it was all worth it for this……….

 

 

I Will Always Remember You…..

Jesse Ismael Thomas

August 7,1968- April 27,1987

I remember…..the big red bunk bed that dad made that we shared till we got our own rooms……GI Joes……..matchbox cars……..towns and highways made with a hoe all over the dirt driveway…….mud pies…….home-made blanket tents all over your bedroom…….long bike rides……cowboy boots and two six-shoots……hot summers swimming at Hunt Park……your huge burp in the middle of prayer at church…….that made me laugh so hard…….we both got in so much trouble for it…….the shoe you threw at me……..I ducked……resulting in the broken window we both had to pay for out of our allowance……that seemed like it took forever……..fist fights…….me always winning…..until you got taller than me…..and then I found that crying did the trick……:) Seeing you across the playground in grade school playing with friends……to watching you as a freshman…..me a senior……across campus……with that nod you always gave me……

Your last day here on earth……talked to you at 10:00 am…..you were dead at 2:00 pm……I heard the firetrucks and ambulances racing down Blaine……on the way to help…..but it was too late……I had no idea they were going to your accident……until later. When mom told me you “had gone to be with the Lord”……it took a few minutes to register……not you…..not our family……and then like slow motion…….memories flooded my mind……conversations we had…….what you wore the night before……stupid arguments……birthdays…….holidays……did I remember to say “I loved you” before I hung up earlier that morning……..I dropped to my knees……and the baby I was carrying……kicked me hard……and then the tears…….never ending tears.

It’s been a long time since you’ve been gone……I struggled for years……that I wasn’t there, by your side, when you took your last breath…….that I should have told you more often how much I loved you……that I needed you……that I valued your friendship…….The hardest thing I ever had to do was begin to learn how to make a life that no longer included you……knowing that someday I would see you again……just didn’t seem to matter at times……in death you were complete……made whole…….fully loved…….for us…..a huge void…….pieces of our hearts and lives shattered…….

But I’ve come to be thankful for the 18 years you were here…..all the memories that I still carry….the childish secrets that we shared…….the friendship that we had. Your death taught me that in the midst of anguish…..fear……indescribable loss and pain…….God is with me…..and He knows how I feel……He cares. I am mindful to not take my time with others for granted because we never know how long we have here.

I will never forget your face the last time I saw you…..you were changing into a young man…….handsome……with great hair:) You would be thrilled to know that your nephews love U2 and have a passion for music like you did…….and hair…….I know that came from you……an incredibly loving gesture….from an awesome God……

When I start to forget your eyes…..I look into Daley’s and I am reminded of you all over again…….and, by the way, Daddy’s the only one who still calls me Cyd……just for you, I think:)

I thank my God every time I remember You.

Philippians 1:3

I Blog, Today, With A Grateful Heart…..

Last night I received that dreaded call that all parents hope they will never get……thankfully……the call came from my son and not the police……he was at least talking to me…..”Mom, I’m ok….don’t worry…..but I’ve been in a car accident”……Let me just say that……”don’t worry” and “car accident” don’t belong in the same sentence……

At midnight, the 40 minute drive to Fullerton lasted forever…..and many things went through my mind…..the very first time I ever layed  eyes on my beautiful baby Dylan……his incredible blue eyes……the way he laughs……his smile……my last conversation with him at 10:15…..an hour before the accident……the fact that he is so much taller than me now…….how he’s the only one of my sons who calls me woman…..instead of mom…….that he is 18 now…..the same age my brother was when he was killed in a horrible car accident…..how for the last few months I have struggled not to worry everytime he drives away…..reliving the past…..yet not wanting to be a slave to it…..the fact that his middle name is “Jesse”….after my only brother…..named in honor of a great, great guy…..who would have absolutely loved all my sons…….and then GRATEFULNESS……extreme gratefulness……that I was on my way to pick him up…..not the hospital or morgue……that his two friends were not hurt……that only Dylan’s knee was banged up……..GRATEFUL that the air bags worked……but mostly, so grateful that God protected him…..and that he is home with me again……safe……I can hear his music blarring out in the garage……all is well……Thank You Father God…..that I have another day with my son…..thank you for the reminder that life is so precious and way too short……and that we need to make the most of everyday that we have on this journey…..

To my Rob, anchor, soul-mate, friend, incredible father to ALL my sons…..thank you for your calming spirit…..thank you for always bringing your love, humor, and peace into every situation…..God knew what He was doing when He brought you to us…..we all love you so much…..

My Dylan……you are the “love of my life”……you will never “get” the love I have for you until you have a “love of you life”…..for your own……I know how bad you feel…..today when you had to answer all those questions from the insurance adjuster……I saw for the first time….you are becoming a man…..and along with that comes responsiblity…..consequences……etc…..I know you feel horrible about the car…..but it’s just a car…..your life is priceless……I LOVE YOU DJ…….

Dustin & Davis….thanks for holding down the fort last night…..for watching out for your little brothers…..and for the worry I saw in your eyes for you older brother……I love you both so much!

My homeless Nashville boy…..thanks for you texts……for your offer to help out financially……for being you…..can’t wait till you get home……

So……I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE……how many women can say they are surrounded by seven men……of differeing ages……who love and put up with this girl….God is Good!!!

LIFE WITH BOYZ….

We have a lot of unfinished projects going on at our house…..one of them is the laundry room floor, unfinished garden, painting the inside (I have two different color splotches on some of my walls that I am trying to decide on) and the OUTSIDE of our home badly needs a coat of something……plus our side yard is not quite done yet to name just a few. We did just use our tax return to get my beloved french doors put into our dining room…..so exctited….I’ve waited a while for those……

So here’s the constant battle living with all men….they don’t share my vision of a clean house….not perfect….like when I was in my 20s & 30s……I’ve given up on that one……just clean. So here’s the deal when they invite someone over…..CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM AND BEDROOM……please……I’ve been after them for dayz to please clean their shower……and……everyone has, basically, nicely, ignored my request. So Dustin invited a couple of guyz over yesterday and they were going to go to the skate park and then hang out here and spend the night, which left him with the shower issue:)

By the way, in case you’re not in the know….. we live in a 1500 sq. ft. home…..with three bedrooms and a half-converted garage for the older boys. It means everyone shares a room and we are always in one another’s grill in some way, shape or form (it’s a little crowded). But it’s what we could afford and it’s more than I had 10 years ago when I lost everything in my divorce (and its not an apartment, thank you Lord).

Back to my story…..so, yesterday, we had a bunch of running around to do, left Dylan in charge, and took off while Deke was down for a nap and Daeden was watching a movie. When I came home, the shower was clean. They were all laughing and acting stupid about the whole thing (like boyz do when they’ve done something, not neccesarily bad, but you know what I mean) ….but, hey, it was clean, right? Dylan said, check out my blog and you’ll see what I’m talking about…..and here’s what I saw. After I stopped laughing…..I thought…..that’s a pretty dog-gone good idea……that shower is a pain in the butt to clean….which is why everybody shucks the buck about doing it……Thanks Dustin…..I pass the torch onto you…..You are now the official shower/hoser/cleaner…….:) He nicely replied, “Yeah, right”. Little does he know…….I’m still the boss!

Spaghetti Face……

12 more days until this little guy turns the “Big 2″……

Be Brave….

“Lord, teach us to take our hearts and look them in the face,

however difficult it may be.”

The Gaudy Night

Dorothy L. Sayers

If you were brave enough to truly look at your heart…..what would you find?

Any takers?