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Archive for July, 2008

My Imperfect Heart….

A heart never broken is pristine and sterile
and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

-author unknown-

If you have ever had the priviledge, yes priviledge, of having your heart broken; whether by a man, your best friend, or even your own child….you get what this means. Let me just say…..I AM SO IMPERFECT:) But I confess, there’s a fear that grips me…. knowing my own sons will have to walk this one out and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it…..stop it. Yet, I want them to love deeply….risking all…..for the amazing chance to be loved back…..because every heartache I have experienced has grown me….made me who I am…..stretched my capacity to love more…..to put myself out there…..knowing that I can be hurt….rejected…..all over again.

but that’s me…..not my babies…..especially the ones who are taller than me now…..in relationships…..grappling with the mystery of trying to understand a woman…….sigh……more lessons in letting go…..

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A New Addition…..

So did I ever mention……that I also wear the hat of dog breeder……bet you never would guess that one……So here is our latest addition…..from our Schnauzers’

Deacon & Delanie

Master Dexter Castro

 

We were strictly breeding for girls…..but, as you can see, not even my dog Lanie can get it right…..sigh…..I told the boys that we were not going to keep any boy pups that she had….but his little brother died a few hours after birth and Dustin and I have had to make sure that Dex eats every three hours round the clock…..and I just don’t know if I have the heart to sell him…..and I must confess……I have a soft spot for sweet boys…..even doggy ones……what a great dog breeder I’ve turned out to be:)

 

 

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Parenting…..

“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Elizabeth Stone

 

I was young when I decided that I was old enough to become a mom…..I had no idea what I was doing……I just wanted to have babies……and that I did:)  And I kept having them….and having them……and having them:)  When I set out on this incredible journey 21 years ago…..it never occurred to me that they would one day grow up.  You can’t even fathom when you hold this tiny little person…..that depends on you for it’s very existence….that one day he will be taller than you……in many ways smarter than you…….But they do grow up…..and that is where this quote gets me to the core.  I have little boys…..and I have a couple of adult boys…..and two in-betweeners…….and let me just say for those of you who are struggling with the no sleep….poopy diapers……teething….potting training……tantrum throwing……little squirts…..THIS IS THE EASY PART…..:)

Letting them go…..watching them from a distance make choices……form relationships……get jobs…..deal with not-so-nice people……struggle with the transition from teenager to adult……is, at times, heartbreaking.  I no longer can “fix it” like when they were little.  Lately, I have had to face the realization that my time is just about up……I have been replaced by new more exciting models……and I don’t mean just girls…..but life….their lives…..all that pulls at their attention…..which is how it’s suppose to be.  It just feels kinda crummy:)  

And on a deeper level….I see where I made such monumental mistakes…..because I was young…..immature…..still trying to figure out myself….who I really was….and now I watch those same weaknesses in my own sons that I unknowingly passed on to them…..and I cringe…..My heart screams…..don’t do what I did…..look at my life….my mistakes and learn.  But I know……that I know…..that they can’t hear me……they have to figure it out for themselves……and to be on the sidelines……where I need to stay……is painful to say the least.  I have had to resort back to what I know for sure……that my knees are gonna get bloody through this phase of my life.  And from what my parents tell me…..you pretty much stay there:)  My faith is stretched…..God move faster…..knock’em in the head…..hurry…..make them see…….but like He has always been with me…..”A Gentleman”……He will work on His schedule….not mine…..for THEIR good….not my pain.  I confess I don’t like it…..but at the core of me….I know that God is faithful to “work out” what I have no business trying to “work out” for Him…..I need to pray now more than I ever have……He loves them so much more than I ever could imagine…..and I confess that I can’t even wrap my head around that one……cuz they are my very existence…….and to say that “I love them” can’t even begin to describe how I really feel about each one of them…..

 

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