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Archive for March, 2011

For Someone Who Did You Wrong

by

John O’Donohue

 

Though its way is to strike in a dumb rhythm

Stroke upon stroke, as though the heart

Were and anvil,

The hurt you sent had a mind of its own.

Something in you knew exactly how to shape it,

To hit the target, slipping into the heart

Through some wound-window

Left open since childhood.

While it struck outside, it burrowed inside

Made tunnels through every ground of confidence.

For days, it would lie still until a thought would start it.

Meanwhile, you forgot, went on with things

And never even knew how that perfect

Shape of hurt still continued to work.

Now a new kindness seems to have entered time

And I can see how that hurt has schooled my heart

In a compassion I would

Otherwise, have never learned.

Somehow now I have begun to glimpse

The unexpected fruit your dark gift planted

And I thank you

For your unknown work.

 

To every person who has ever hurt me…..intentionally or not…..from a teacher…..to a playground misunderstanding…. silly girlfriend squabbles to high school boyfriends who broke my tender heart….the competitive co-worker….to the man who drove the bus that plowed into my brother’s car…..killing him instantly…..my husband who fell out of love with me…..to the woman that he chose over me…..those who have looked down on me…..to my critics who have made judgements about my choices…..my best friend’s betrayal…..to the pastors who were unkind and hurtful to my sons….these are a few of the hurts that have shaped me…..schooled me…….and have brought unexpected fruit.  I, too, thank each one of you for the dark gift that was planted…..and for the amazing unknown work that has come from it…..and continues to wash over me…..

giving me wisdom…..understanding……compassion…..depth.

How could I ever repay you for what your hurt has done for me……

I truly bless you this day!

 

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for my good……

Genesis 50:20

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Do you see my life…..trying to get 7 guys to take a pic……heavy sigh!

After two separate locations……first in LA……three weeks later…….the back alley of our home……substantially more grey hair for me……finally a picture!!!  You have no idea the drama that took place to get ONE good picture of us…..together….possibly smiling at the same time…..looking the same way…..hair in place…..cuz hair is a big deal in the Hake-Castro household……a brief meltdown by my four-year-old about the sun being too bright……taking the football away from Davis and Dustin for goofing off  and then almost hitting me in the head……on purpose I think……this is gonna have to be it.   Thanks guys for putting up with my need for one family pic a year…..even if it didn’t get out at Christmas…..we’re always late anyways!!!

And to all of you who are thinking it……because I get asked this at least once a week….”Didn’t you ever want a girl?”  Heck no….I am surrounded by men…..as it should be….and I consider myself  the luckiest girl in the world!!!

PS…..I’m believing for a gang of granddaughters and I can’t wait!!!!

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Twenty-six years ago….on March 23rd….around 11:30 in the morning….at the ripe old age of 19…..I vowed before my God and a church filled with family and friends…… to love, honor and cherish….for the rest of my days….till only death would part us…..another 19 year old….who I met the year I turned 14.  It wasn’t until we were sixteen that we, actually, started to date…..and shortly after that…..decided we could not survive without each other….smile!   I had no idea, at the time, all the twists and turns our lives would take…..I just knew that I loved him and I wanted to spend a lifetime with him.  I wanted to make him happy…..be his best friend…..have his babies…..and that I did…..the baby part, at least!  Four handsome boys to be exact!!  As the years passed…..and life moved on…..things changed for him.  In the eleventh year of our marriage, he decided he was in love with someone else…..and two years later…..he divorced me.

Although life as I knew it had been shattered into a million different pieces….. and I was wounded, angry and hurt, I still knew from the beginning of this nightmare……that no matter how I tried I could never stop loving him.  I had loved him for years by that time…..how could it just disappear….go away…..like it had never existed.

Well, we have been divorced now, 13 years….and I still love and care for him.  I never forget this day…..it was one of my happiest!!! Am I in love with him?  Of course not.  But, I take my vows seriously.  I meant what I said all those years ago….a piece of paper will never change that.  The thing is, I realized, even in all the pain that the divorce brought me…..that no matter how I tried to distance myself from him…..hate him……bury the pain…..try to forget…..I could see him every day in each of our sons.  They all look like him in some way…..to deny him and his existence in my life….was to deny the four greatest reasons I was ever married to him in the first place.

13 years ago

 

 

And now, March, 2011

Daley

Dylan

Dustin

 

Davis

My critics have said…..why would you “love and honor” after divorce?  Who even does that?  Nobody expects that of you after what he did to you and the boys.  My answer……Simply, for my sons.  My choice to forgive him leaving me and choosing to love someone else…..became a necessity early on.  What he did was killing me slowly…..and I was “bleeding out” on everyone around me…..including my sons.  This process of forgiving took many layers to get to where I am today.  Each layer being pulled/ripped off was like a death to me.  Anger, bitterness, resentment, hate…..it had to go.  This was not an overnight process….but it took years.

It started with a simple prayer….Lord bless him…..help me to love him and not hate him…..and please, please, heal me…..because I’m dying.  So I began….little by little….. to choose to love….when I had to see him with her.  I chose to love…..when it looked as if what we had and built together never even mattered….he had moved on…..a new life….new house….new cars…..and I had to pick up the pieces of my sons broken hearts…..and mine.  Did loving come easy?  Not even. Many, many nights I cried…..angry that God would allow me to ever get hooked up with someone who could wound me and my sons so deeply.  Why didn’t He warn me….what a fool I had been!  However, somewhere….in the depths of me…I kept being pulled back….drawn to continue my pursuit of what I had promised him…..to love…..even when he couldn’t love me back.

So now…..all these years later…..I still choose to thank him on this day for marrying me and loving me for a time.  Without him….I would not have the four greatest people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and loving.  I choose to work, still, at honoring him….by pointing out his good qualities to my sons.  For reminding them that even though he left…..he loves them the best he knows how.  He has always worked hard, paid child support, went to their games, and called when he knew they were sick.  I remind them of camping trips, being chased by a bear, four tangled fishing lines at a time…..our life.  It wasn’t all bad….And I maintain always…..that I would do it all over again just to have them and be their mom. I know they would agree with me…..that our story has made us who we are today……the good and bad…..wounds and all…..we are better for it….stronger…..appreciative of all that we have…..God Is So Good….and His love washes over us healing our deepest broken places….when we surrender and let Him!

I love you Daley, Dylan Dustin and Davis……and you, too, Mr. Hake.

Always…..

Be kind and compasionate to one another, forgiving each other,

just as in Christ God forgve you.

Ephesians 4:32

 

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DOWNWARD MOBILITY

By Brennan Manning

 

So he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing,

and wrapped a towel around his waist.

After that, he poured water into a basin and began to

wash his disciples’ feet, drying them

with a towel that was wrapped around him

John 13:4-5

Jesus remains Lord by being a servant.

The beloved disciple presents a mind-bending image of God, blowing away all previous conceptions of who the Messiah is and what discipleship is all about.  What a scandalous reversal of the world’s values! To prefer to be the servant rather than the lord of the household is the path of downward mobility in an upwardly mobile culture.  To taunt the idols of prestige, honor, and recognition, to refuse to take oneself or to take seriously others who take themselves seriously, and to freely embrace the servant lifestyle – these are the attitudes that bear the stamp of authentic discipleship.

The stark realism of John’s portrait of Christ leaves no room for romanticized idealism or sloppy sentimentality. Servanthood is not an emotion or mood or feeling; it is a decision to live like Jesus.  It has nothing to do with what we feel; it has everything to do with what we do – humble service.  To listen obediently to Jesus – “If I, then, the Lord and Master, have washed your feet, you should wash each other’s feet. – is to hear the heartbeat of the Rabbi John knew and loved.

When being is divorced from doing, pious thoughts become an adequate substitute for washing dirty feet.

 

Abba Father,

Again, I am undone, by your Words and example of true servanthood…..

of what it means to say, “Yes, I am a follower of Christ”.

I pray, today, a life consistent with how You taught, by example, me to live.

The reality of “my true, pitiful, self”….I, again, confess to You.

The stark truth of how I really live and think is blown to pieces once more.

Thank you that everyday is a do-over.  Your mercy is fresh and alive….because You knew

how much I would need it.

Again, I lay at your feet the need to “do” more than just “be” with You.

The need to “do” perfectly in order to earn Your love and acceptance….

The need to look like I “do” perfectly in front of others so that they will accept and find

value in me……

These things I admit and give back…..

Give me the desire to freely embrace the servant lifestyle….

and to find joy and peace in washing the “dirty feet” You place

in my realm of care…..

I pray my life would be scandalous to this

world…..

but a sweet, precious, and fragrant aroma to You…..

I seek only Your applause……

me

 

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