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Archive for May, 2011

My Princess… my chosen one
I chose you before the foundation of the earth to be My princess. You are royalty even when you don’t feel like a princess. I will wait for you until you are ready to start living the amazing plans I have for you. I know you don’t know where to begin or how to become what I’ve called you to be, so let Me teach you day by day. Start by recognizing who I am: The Lover of your soul. When the two of us meet alone together every day, I will show you how to let go of the things in your life that are holding you back from the blessings I want to give you.
Remember, My child, just as I have chosen you, I have given you a choice to represent Me to the world. If you are willing, I am here to give you all you need to complete your calling. 
Love, 
Your King and Lord who chose you.

I confess that I am a stalker of ALL things royal.  Thirty years ago I watched Diana become Princes of Wales….last month I watched her son marry his bride who became Princes Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.  Watching lives that are so far from the reality of how I live and that they allow me a glimpse into this foreign world, still amazes me.  Even though I, personally, feel that my sweet husband treats me better than many royals among this world….

…the truth is…

I am still just plain Cyndi, or am I?

I received the above poem from my friend Nancy, late last night.  She wanted to remind me of who I am….since I seem to forget this much too often.  Like I wrote yesterday, I need to remind myself daily of what it true.

I am royalty.

Whether I own this fact or not

It is still a fact!

I have been pursued, wooed, and chosen by the God of this Universe.

I am His Bride

His Love

And because of this

All that He has

Is mine.

AND

His love for me is ENDLESS

How’s that for Royalty!

Reminder to Self:

START LIVING YOUR TRUTH, GIRL!

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Self-Rejection…..

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” … [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
~Henri J.M. Nouwen~

Old habits….tapes playing in our heads…..beliefs about ourselves…..

hurtful things people have said from our past…..

are hard to shake, aren’t they?

Because I believe that I am unloveable….I set myself up for rejection just to prove that lie to be true.

TRAGIC

If I wait to “feel” like I’m “Beloved”

I will be waiting for a long, long time.

It is in the walking it out…..reminding myself of the truth….letting go of past hurts

forgiving

That this “truth” of whom I belong to

Who I am

Becomes my reality.

Sometimes I must remind myself hourly

Some days I forget to remind myself at all

smile.

Since I have begun to get in touch with this “dark side”

of my soul

I have become more aware of the

MANY

lies I believe

And

Change has begun to occur.

Truth ALWAYS wins

Even when it is about the things we least like in ourselves.

Baby Steps

The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God’s eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity and held safe in an everlasting embrace . . . We must dare to opt consciously for our chosenness and not allow our emotions, feelings, or passions to seduce us into self-rejection.
~Henri J.M. Nouwen~

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“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
– E.E. Cummings

I have a long-time friend.  We spend our time together either laughing or crying….more crying lately….and that’s ok.  We all have seasons like this, from time to time, and I have learned to roll with it.  The other night we went to see a movie together.  Afterwards, we walked around the Plaza for a bit and found a bench and sat. We mostly shared our struggles that evening.  It is great to know that I do not have to pretend with her.  She has known me for years and loves me where I am at….and I feel the same about her.  Nothing she could tell me would shock me or make me not love her. I deeply appreciate her.  I texted her later that evening….thanking her for taking me out and treating me to a movie and popcorn and, especially, for listening to me babble.

The next evening she shared with me that when she received my text her eleven year old son, who was in the car with her, grabbed the phone and was going to read her what I had sent.  She, in turn, told him that her texts were private and that we had talked about something rather personal and that I probably wouldn’t want him to know about it.  They chatted back and forth for a few minutes and then he blurted out….
“She’s not having ANOTHER baby AGAIN, is she?”

Sigh

I laughed….really, really, laughed.

 It actually made me day!

It is what I am known for.

Having babies.

What is so funny about that assumption, is that anytime I tell my older boys I need to talk with them about something important….that is one of the first things that comes out of their mouths, “You’re not pregnant AGAIN, mom, are you?”

SMILE

No, I am not.

I hope today brings you laughter and joy!!

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Deliver me, O Jesus, 
From the desire of being loved, 
From the desire of being extolled, 
From the desire to being honored, 
From the desire of being praised, 
From the desire of being preferred, 
From the desire of being consulted, 
From the desire of being approved, 
From the desire of being popular, 
From the fear of being humiliated, 
From the fear of being despised, 
From the fear of suffering rebukes, 
From the fear of being calumniated, 
From the fear of being forgotten, 
From the fear of being wronged, 
From the fear of being ridiculed, 
From the fear of being suspected. 
Amen.

~Mother Teresa~

I love this.

That which I desire

and

That which I fear the most.

Both can paralyze me

If I choose.

This is the ultimate

“death to self”.

This is my

Everyday

Morning Prayer.

Deliverance and Courage.

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FOR LONGING

John O’Donohue

Blessed be the longing that brought you here 

And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire

That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease

To discover the new direction your longing wants you to take.

May the forms of your belonging – in love, creativity, and friendship –

Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your though and nurture your feeling.

May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

A few key lines jump out at me this morning as I read this, most, lovely book.  They point to a fork in the road I have ended up at more than a few times as I have journeyed this life.  In the past I would stopped at this fork….stood there paralyzed…. and then would have turned around to go back from the way I came.  I was too afraid to choose…..or even ask….”Which way Lord, right or left?”  I was, also, more afraid of the answer He would give me….smile!

The line,

“May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease…to discover the new direction your longing wants to take.”

 I confess, I loathe change.  Even more so, unease, in the process of change.  This past year has been about the unease in the deepest part of my soul.  Making decisions for my life that are very different from what other people are doing.  I long for the days, at times, of not caring…being nominal….sitting on the bench with everyone else….but I am not called to this.  Actually, I have never been like everybody else.  It cost to be different.  It is very lonely at times.  I continue to push on…even though I am tired and do not want to, knowing that where I am headed is who God has destined me to be.  Even if I do not understand it or if people question it.  The unease to be different….but the greater ache to be like everyone else….keeps me pursuing that still small voice that begs me to, “Come on”….”Don’t stop now.”

The line,

“May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.”

I am damaged.  This is a fact.  Digging up the past, in order to move forward is beyond unpleasant.  Every part of me wants to run and hide.  I do not want to change. It costs too much. It is so painful.  But, when it is more painful to stay the same, you know you are almost to the top.  You know in your gut that victory is close.  I tell myself this….because every ounce of me wants to give up and remain the same damaged person I always have been.  How scandalous is that?  When there is freedom from this if I will just die to self….press into God and hold on as He strips away all the “crap” that must go….in order for Him to make me whole….free….how can I say no to Him?

Today is a new day.

I pray for courage to be honest with myself.

To stay put in this process and not run and hide.

I do long to be all that He created me to be when He first thought of me,

before time began.

I celebrate what God sees that I can’t.

Today.

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Me, Myself and I

When we cannot bear to be alone,

it means we do not properly value

the only companion we will have

from birth to death ~ourselves.  

~Eda LeShan~

I love this quote because it is TRUTH!

When things are not going good…..when the panic button is pressed due to my frayed emotional interior…..and I do my familiar “run and hide”…..no matter where I try to flee….I take me.

The flip side

Learning to care for me

To value who I am

What I have to offer

Give

Choosing to believe who God says I am.

Carving out time….alone…..to get to know me.

Not the girl that wears all the hats….

spins all the plates…..runs herself into the ground.

But,

The girl I am finally getting to know…..after all these years.

Why?

Because she’s worth getting to know.

I used to feel so sad when I would notice people sitting alone….all by themselves.  I wondered how they did it.  Did they not have friends.  Did they go home to an empty house.  What was their story.

Solitude is not the scary discipline, I once thought.

Reshaping my life to include this time with and for myself….listening to God…..enjoying nature….a walk….rest….I find, takes a ruthless act of my will.  Real and lasting change can only come from allowing myself the time to listen, ask questions, reflect, and contemplate in the loving care of my time alone with “The One” who waits for me.  When I neglect myself….this precious time….I become lost….unfocused…..wayword…..purposeless.

I can no longer afford to not be vigilant and fight for this much needed time alone…..can you?


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The Journey….

It is good to have an end to journey toward;

but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

~Ursula K. Le Guin~


When I started out as a young adult…..I never looked at life as being a journey.  I remember thinking that when I was 39 I would be married 20 years….and be SO, SO, OLD.  Tragically old.  Well, that marriage ended at 14 years….and here I am …in my head feeling 25….my face saying something completely different.

Tomorrow my Davis turns 18.

 How did that happen?

 I still remember, clearly, cleaning the house from top to bottom on May 13th, knowing this little person was to be born the next day. When he finally arrived early the next morning I held him close….kissed all his fingers and toes….the top of his little head….his precious sweet face and couldn’t even imagine him, one day, being taller than me.

That journey is ending,

A new one beginning.

What will it look like for Davis as an adult.

What will I pray him through.

Walk with him through.

Cheer him on to.

What will I have to keep my mouth shut about,

Knowing he has to make his own choices

Some I won’t like or approve of.

Nevertheless,

I will be there for him….like I always have….and always will be.

Reminder to self:

I will make many more mistakes.

This transition from boy to man will be painful for me.

So here I go,

Taking a running leap and jumping off the cliff into adulthood with him.

I think he would like that,

Maybe even be proud of me.

Here’s to a new journey!

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