What we love usually manages to get into our conversation.
What is down in the well of the heart will come up in the bucket of the speech.
Vance Havner
So what’s your bucket “full of”…….? Be honest…..I will:)
WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN
OR
THINK YOU CAN’T
YOU’RE RIGHT
Henry Ford
Isn’t this the truth? It seems so simple……but what we choose to believe about ourselves or the circumstances we find ourselves in…….really boils down to our thinking. What goes on between our ears is vital to our contentment or dissatisfaction. We choose. I needed to be reminded of this…..how about you?
A couple of weeks ago, Daley treated me to a photography class up north for the day. We stopped for Starbucks on the way up……because he knows how much I love hot chocolate…..and how he can’t function without coffee in the morning…..then a fabulous lunch…….onto an afternoon with one of the greats in photography……and dinner. I had such a great day……I love spending time with him…..which is rare nowadays……but I take what I can get. He spoils me……and I confess that I ABSOLUTELY love it:) Thank you Dale, for loving me……for making me a priority in your life when you are so busy already…..for encouraging me in my writing and photography……for believing that I can do anything…….for putting up with me……for your grace as I have had to process through letting you go and watch you become a man (which still freaks me out…..just a little:))……..but, especially, for being my friend….I adore you!
Special thanks to my Robbie for letting me get away for the day and holding down the fort……and a big thanks to Jules for spending the day with us and letting Daley drive us around in your fabulous car:)
Living With A Miracle Means Far More
Than Experiencing It’s Conception.
It Means Resting in God’s Promise And Power
Even When It Seems The Miracle
Isn’t Going To Be Born.
~Jack Hayford~
I made her really, really mad! Before she left the bench…..she snapped at my attorney and said, “Talk to your client”. The coldness in her voice matched that chilly November morning. It’s never wise to make a judge mad at you….. I don’t recommend it. My attorney looked at me and knew there was no use even talking to me about it…..my mind was made up. I really wasn’t trying to be difficult. I didn’t want to be here……I had already agreed to my other half’s requests…..I just couldn’t/wouldn’t sign my divorce papers. I would stipulate to everything……I just was not going to have my signature on something that I knew God hated. Something I didn’t want in the first place.
What I wanted was my life back….I wanted to hear the creak from the front door and watch him walk through it after a long day at work and hear the boys running down the hall yelling, “Daddy’s home….Daddy’s home”. I wanted to get lost in his beautiful blue eyes…..I wanted what I had committed to 13 years prior…..for better or worse. I looked to the right of me and he looked just as disgusted with me as she did. My miracle would not come…..not today…..not ever.
I had prayed…..believed…..begged…..bargained…..that God would somehow move in his heart so that he would decide to do the right thing and stay. So that my boys would not have to go through life with a part-time dad……I wanted their carefree selves back…..their sweet smiles…..laughter…….all I saw was their deep sorrow and it shattered my already broken heart. I would have done anything for them to not experience the horrible pain they were going through…even staying with a man who no longer loved me……I loved them so!
She came back to the bench and asked me one more time if I would sign and I told her, “No”. I knew that in the State of California she could do it for me. I knew it rarely happened, but I made my sons a promise and I intended to keep it. This is not what we wanted and we would have no part in our family being destroyed. It would be on him. His decision. She agreed to sign for me, rather reluctantly. Then the gavel went down…..and it was over….just like that. Almost 17 years of a relationship that began when I was just 16 years old. Finished.
I’m not gonna lie. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I left there with my head held high, but I lost a huge piece of me that day that I never really got back. There were days, weeks, months, even some years…..that I wondered if we’d come out on the other side…. somehow still whole. I will say that the miracle eventually did come…..in a way that I never expected. Actually, come to think of it, there were miracles…..that came…..Maybe I’ll blog on those someday soon:)
“You are attracted to a combination of the negative
attributes of your primary caretakers as a child”
Don Miller
Author of “Blue Like Jazz”
Over breakfast with Daley Hake
Any of you who really know me……know that texting is an integral part of my life……it is the primary source of communication between my older children when they are out-and-about and my husband who is running his butt off most of the day:) So this morning I am on my way to pick up Dylan from RCC….and I get the above text from “my Dale”. I text him back, “That made my day, sorry:(” Which he then returns with, “I thought it was funny, cuz it explains some of my brother’s choices” (I’m thinking….and not yours?). To which I respond, “Not funny….since I raised you….even when your dad was around”. To which he texts back, “I didn’t mean it like that! I love you:)” To which I say, “I know…..but it is true”. To which he says, “I thought you would find that funny. I’m sorry, I feel really bad now”. To which I say, “You are such a firstborn child”. ”Why”, he says. This saga ends with me texting, ”I’m not upset….it’s tragically funny…..and you…. worried…. is so first child…..silly boy!!”
Can you tell we are both firstborns? Thank you Dale for making me laugh today…..I miss you……and thanks Don Miller for reminding me of my greatest fear…..THAT THEY WILL PICK SOMEONE LIKE ME!!!!!
Courage does not roar
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
At the end of the day saying,
“I will try again tomorrow”.
Mary Anne Radmacher
I don’t think I could have “got” this quote in my early years of mothering……my house was always immaculately kept…..I was desperate to be “perfect”……..somehow if I did and said everything right……nothing bad could touch me…..my children would always be happy…..my husband always be in love with me…..a friend to everyone……everything blissfully……perfect……sigh:)
Fast forward 11 years and he left me for someone else……my children definitely were not happy……I lost that house…..and everything else…..including some “so-called” friends…….my world turned upside down…..literally.
Fast forward 10 more years and this quote is how I live my life. I often get asked by other mothers, “How do you do it….a mother to six sons…..and your still standing….”? The reality is that “I don’t do it very good…. a lot of the time”. What I have learned is that it takes courage to be a mother. But, it takes even more courage to get up and do it all over again the next day. When the last one leaves our home…..I will have been mothering roughly 40 years……it overwhelms me to see that in print:)
All any of us can really do…..IS DO TODAY……and if I blow it…..like I have on many occasions…..I ask God to forgive me…..believe Him for creative ways to do it differently the next day……get a little sleep……wake up……if I’m lucky walk Mt. Rubidoux…..read God’s word……and face up to TWELVE eyes waiting for me to either change a diaper, fix the leg that fell off of Batman, locate a Star Wars light sabre…….read and edit a history paper, fix chocolate chip pancakes, wash a load of clothes cause he’s leaving for Canada and hasn’t washed since the last gig he went on, find a lost cowboy boot (sigh)…… take another one to RCC, read a skunk book….pick up from RCC…..make 15-year-old do his geography……give permission for girlfriends to come over later…..six-year-old meltdown because Indiana Jones’ whip is missing and it MUST be found……lunch……school…….maybe sit down to close my eyes for 1/2 hour…..run to grocery store cuz they ate what I was going to fix……make dinner…..all of us crowded around our dinning room table…… plus usually some wayward soul that pops by……take my 4th to the rock-climbing gym……come back…..make homemade brownies…….Hi Rob….maybe……baths……feed Rob…..put little boys down for bed…..maybe some “me” time…..possibly Rob time…..oh…no….pick up from rock-climbing gym……Love you Rob…..wash make-up off face…..slather in some kind of wrinkle cream that, obviously, is not working……climb into bed……cry…..just kidding….not really, sometimes I do cry……tell Rob I desperately love him…….sleep…..REPEAT!
Courage.….it really isn’t a roar…..but the ability to keep trying…..believing…….loving…..knowing that what you have given your life to……is making a difference……
Disclaimer: Not all days will look like this…..some are worse:)
A New Year…..which is gladly welcomed into this “old gals life”. Changes on the horizon…….in myself……family…..marriage…..some attitudes that need to be adjusted…..priorities re-arranged….creative endevours being pursued….are just some of the “few” things in the happenings of my life. The constant is Jesus…..breaking me….molding me….teaching me…..and using me despite all my failures as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, leader…..and the “Grace” that will take me an eternity “to get”…..that is freely and lovingly given…..I WELCOME all this into 2009…..just a few days late:)
All that I am or hope to be I owe to my mother. I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all of my life.
Abraham Lincoln
I pray my sons will say the same thing about me someday…..that they always knew that I prayed for them……believed great dreams for their lives…….pleaded on their behalf when they didn’t know how to believe for themselves…..stayed awake way into the early mornings praying that I would keep my mouth shut……and let God handle it……and that they always knew that in the end I believed…..”Our Heavenly Father” really does know best…..He will never disappoint……not ever…. Oh…and that He is never late….but always “on time”.
A heart never broken is pristine and sterile
and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
-author unknown-
If you have ever had the priviledge, yes priviledge, of having your heart broken; whether by a man, your best friend, or even your own child….you get what this means. Let me just say…..I AM SO IMPERFECT:) But I confess, there’s a fear that grips me…. knowing my own sons will have to walk this one out and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it…..stop it. Yet, I want them to love deeply….risking all…..for the amazing chance to be loved back…..because every heartache I have experienced has grown me….made me who I am…..stretched my capacity to love more…..to put myself out there…..knowing that I can be hurt….rejected…..all over again.
but that’s me…..not my babies…..especially the ones who are taller than me now…..in relationships…..grappling with the mystery of trying to understand a woman…….sigh……more lessons in letting go…..
So did I ever mention……that I also wear the hat of dog breeder……bet you never would guess that one……So here is our latest addition…..from our Schnauzers’
Deacon & Delanie
Master Dexter Castro
We were strictly breeding for girls…..but, as you can see, not even my dog Lanie can get it right…..sigh…..I told the boys that we were not going to keep any boy pups that she had….but his little brother died a few hours after birth and Dustin and I have had to make sure that Dex eats every three hours round the clock…..and I just don’t know if I have the heart to sell him…..and I must confess……I have a soft spot for sweet boys…..even doggy ones……what a great dog breeder I’ve turned out to be:)
